Tuesday 2 February 2016

How to save a life



Two years ago today I wrote a very long, very emotional open letter to my then partner Jason. At his request we were taking a break. I had moved to Lyall Bay and was flatting with my friend Mal.  I lay down in bed that night bawling my eyes out listening over and over again to the one song that was getting me though the misery of being broken from a broken relationship. 
https://youtu.be/O93EzrqZ6DY. Blue day by Mi Sex was a song that just wrenched at my heart, the words just cut me to the bone and I just couldn't stop listening to it. 

Jason and I in 2012

I poured my heart and soul into that letter and then posted it on Facebook. Some of you may remember what I wrote but others will be wondering what I said. I'm not going to rerun it all here but it was very much a heartfelt cry out to the man I wanted to marry. 

That night I lost Jason for good, I lost some friends but I also gained the respect of others who at the time didn't realise how bad things had got.  My depression had really ruined my relationship with him and there was no going back. As far as he was concerned I had done the unforgivable and aired our private problems in public and he was embarrassed. 

Me in mid 2014.  Forced smile huh

Two years have passed since that god awful night. It came up on my Facebook "memories" today and I realised that I hadn't even thought about that letter or what I had written in such a long time. So I took some time out today at work in the sun (it got to over 28c here today btw) and sat down and read those words and realised that in fact I was still happy with what I had written back then, how I had tried to get him to understand what I was going through as he wasn't listening when I tried to explain those words verbally. More than anything I realised how much I have changed since that moment in my life. For the first reading that letter I didn't cry. 

I have become stronger, happier, and more in tune with myself, though sometimes I still forget to listen to what my mind has to say for itself. I went through the grieving, anger and frustration of losing the man I was in love with, to realise that in fact he did me a favour.  I had lost me, I had lost who I really was.  I had changed to become the person I thought he wanted to be instead of staying true to myself. 

It's taken me a long time to realise this. A lot of tears and cussing and self pity has passed by me over the past two years. Peace has come and gone and come back again and with it the realisation that while I will always keep a place in my heart for him I am not in love with him anymore and haven't been for a long time now and wish him only good things for his future. Hindsight and all that there are a few things I wish we could have changed during the separation process but they don't eat away at me anymore.  

2016 - I am happy. I am me again 

And you now what. I don't think of Blue Day as a sad song anymore. I think of it as the song that saved my life. 

Thursday 28 January 2016

You'll never walk alone

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm
There's a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark
Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone


These are the lyrics to a song written by Rogers and Hammerstein II and they are of course the words to the Liverpool Football Club Supporters Anthem.


In a Nix Shirt going to
the Liverpool Game lol
Now those of you that know me well, know me as a very ardent football supporter of the local Phoenix team and a staunch Scouser - that's a Liverpudlian football supporter.

I went this month to Australia, to Sydney, to see a few of my favourite football stars for Liverpool play in an exhibition match against some Australians. It was called the Legends match, and oh what a bunch of legends there were.  Grobelaar, Rush, Gerrard, Aldridge, Carragher and Garcia were all there splendid in their mighty red.  I was in football heaven.  40000 people were there to witness history being made.

After 90 minutes of amazing football action my darling reds had won. Garcia, Aldridge and Rush had scored four goals between them and the Aussies scored nothing.  I was jubilant.  Nothing but nothing could marr my moment. Or so I thought.  I splurged and purchased all the memorabilia including a proper football jersey to wear.  And guess what.  That $AUD100 Red Liverpool football jersey doesn't fit.  Its my size you know - that awful XXL on the tag but its not a Kiwi XXL its a friggen different XXL and its so tight my boobies are squished and my tummy isn't - it sticks out a mile lol.  This shirt is probably a good two sizes too small for this body of mine.


#YNWA
So one of the things that my hypnotherapist said to me was to find something I am truly in love with that I don't currently fit and want to fit.  And when I find that one thing to put it somewhere where I can see it every day, first thing in the morning and last thing at night as a reminder and motivator for me so I have.  I have hung my pride and joy, my new shirt up in front of my wardrobe door where I see it first thing every morning and last thing each night.  And I will fit into it.  I know I will.  

Good things take time remember.... but they better not take too much time cause I don't want it to get covered in sand, dust and cobwebs while it waits for my waist to catch up :)

Weight today 135.9 kg - thats 400 gm lost in 6 days - small steps remember

Finally if you want to hear what our favourite song looks like when its sung by 40000 people at Sydneys ANZ Stadium then click on the link below that goes to my Youtube site.

You'll Never Walk Alone - Sydney January 2016


Sunday 24 January 2016

I'm taking on a challenge

I have signed up to be a part of the Chorus 21 day Les Mills Corporate Challenge.

Why?

Because I guess not so much that I'm nuts - you all know that anyway but more because I need some stimulation and motivation from other people and what a better way to do that, than with people I work with.

So I got allocated into a team with seven other colleagues - in fact I am really happy with the colleagues who are in my team as they are not all the "gym bunnies" that haunt my floor and actually scare me off even flaunting my tummy in work out clothes but in fact they are a couple of work friends, a couple of every day guys and yes a couple of those guys who already work out hard at a gym but these are guys I am comfortable with anyway at work so wont panic too much lol.  Our team will forever now be known as Team Tune Up.


So the challenge is to get us into a gym and work out.  Each time we log in we get 3 points and everytime we do an extra challenge that comes through we get extra points.  The goal at the end is of course to have lost some weight but also be the team who earns the most points.  The biggest goal of course is for Les Mills to have tempted us into joining their gym lol.

I signed up and I went in and had my weigh in session with a lovely lad called Chris and in the end I spend a good 45 minutes with him talking about my issues and bouncing ideas off him.  He was pretty awesome actually.  He then weighed me (Man I hate being weighed on other scales as they never do match what mine say lol) and then took me for a walk around the gym.  It's big, it's bright, its spread over three floors, though only two are actually exercise areas AND you have to climb stairs to get to each floor - no lifts in this building.

The challenge starts tomorrow (though Wellington starts one day later as its Anniversary Day tomorrow and a day off).  Auckland has their Anniversary day next Monday so that evens us out.  Our team is planning on doing a couple of lunch time group sessions twice a week and then its up to us to get into the gym at least two more times each week if not more.  

There are a couple of group classes that I would like to try - their version of my gym's Centergy class (Yoga and Pilates)which is called Body Balance but they use Pilates and Tai Chi and perhaps Body Jam which is their dance class.

I dont see us being the team that wins because there's always going to be someone better and more of a gym junkie than us but if this helps me get my mojo back working again then Im all for it.

Saturday 23 January 2016

You are getting sleepy

I decided to bite the bullet, no that's not really the right way to say it.  I decided to look outside the square is probably the better way to start this.

I decided to look outside the square at options to help me lose weight.  I needed some ways to help me find my mojo again and one of the ideas was to see what a hypnotherapist could do to help.  Don't get me wrong, I'm as skeptical about hypnosis as most people but I thought what the hell.

I called up a friend of Ivan's who is a hypnotherapist, and make an appointment for a free half hour consultation to see if what he was offering was suitable.  The appointment just happened to coincide with my day off for my birthday (and yes I'm a year older and not necessarily more wiser, just a few more wrinkles and hairs).

I met Andrew at the meeting room and instead of spending a half hour with him it ended up being a whole hour.  I felt really comfortable with everything he was saying about how he could help me on a subconscious level with my weight loss issues and also some mindfulness works.  The last thing i wanted to know was that honestly was I really a good candidate for hypnosis?  So he did a couple of little experiments and I responded quite well so I decided that yes I was going to try this.   

My doctor and the hospital have told me that I don't weigh enough to be considered eligible for the real gastric band operation (go figure) and I certainly don't want to put ON any more weight to become eligible. So with this in mind I have agreed to undergo a Virtual Gastric Band programme.  It is Andrew's role to facilitate in my mind, both consciously and subconsciously, that I have had the operation and there is a gastric band around my stomach (albeit virtual). Thereby guiding  me to realise that I don't want to eat as much as I used to, or as often as I used to.

Lastly, Andrew reminded me that this wasn't 100% money back guaranteed.  That what I would be paying for was his time and experience, but that he did have a 93% success rate. I paid up front a fee and booked in my first session.

The first session was two hours long. Andrew walked me through a personal SWAT analysis and my short, medium and long term goals for change.  This took about the first hour and it was very hard as it brought out some of the stresses that I have had during my life and how they were still eating at me inside and probably some of the underlying reasons why I had lost my motivation last year and therefore not allowing me to lose weight.  Lastly we talked about the foods that I wanted to cut down or cut out of my life to help me achieve this goal.

Then he proceeded to work on hypnotising me, putting me to sleep, however you want to say it.  Consciously I remember alot of what went on but for a while i did go off to sleep, get into a trance, I'm not sure but for a while inside the second half of the hour of being hypnotised I seriously don't remember anything.  I remember Andrew playing a recording of what sounded like all the beepings and noises inside an operating theatre as if i was actually having an operation.  I remember his voice being very calming and I remember being very relaxed.

I walked away from that first session feeling absolutely drained, shattered was probably the better word.  I was just so tired.  I wandered off to the bowling club for my usual Friday night drinks and pool with the lads.  I had my usual two bourbon and cokes and a packet of chippies and then realised I couldn't keep my eyes open much longer and decided to go home.

I slept the best nights sleep in forever and didn't wake up til after 9am on Saturday, got up went to the loo and then went back to bed and promptly fell asleep again and didn't wake up a gain til after 1pm.  That was so unlike me.  Maybe this was my body's way of telling me I had been not giving it enough rest time.

Saturday was the Annual Volunteers Lunch at the Bowling Club from 2-4pm so off I went.  It was a lovely spread. I spent a couple of hours with everyone nibbling and chatting and then came home again.  It wasn't until I got home that I realised that I had had a bowl of chips in front of me the whole time i was there and I hadn't even nibbled on one of them.

I had my second session this week and we decided to work on adding some more of the foods I love so much that my body doesn't need into the "I don't need or want" part of my subconscious.  We also talked about listening to my body and eating only when it tells me I'm hungry rather than feeding it at the normal breakfast lunch and dinner times every day.

Andrew again put me into a hypnotic state and again his voice was very charismatic and calming.  Yet again I remember the first half of the session but not the second half.  I remember him talking about body fat pouring into a bucket and asking what the fat looked like, how it felt and smelled, and trying to get me to "dip" a burger into a bucket of the muck and how I gagged at even the thought of doing it.  It was very vivid in my mind.

After bringing me back out of my trance we did some more work on helping me work on self hypnosis as I had been struggling with the exercise he gave me the other week.  This time we tried a different tack and it seemed to work in practice.

So what have i noticed this past nine days since my first session.

One I still haven't touched a potato chip, nor have I touched any chocolate or pineapple lumps.

Two; My portion sizes are definitely decreasing - in fact one lunch time this week I couldn't even finish what I had brought in for lunch.  I'd actually started gagging at the thought of taking another bite.  Andrew said that was quite a rare response.

Three; My motivation for exercising hasn't increased, that will be something I will ask him to work on more at our next session.

Four; Between Monday last week and Tuesday this week I put on 1 kg but have lost 1.3 kg since Tuesday (Its Sunday).

Going forward my next session with Andrew is Wednesday week and then I have one final session Friday week after that.  So do I expect this to be my miracle NO but from what I've been through so far I'm really happy and starting to see small results.  Do I think its money well spent?  Time will tell but so far so good.


(This weeks weigh in 136.3 kg)  

Friday 1 January 2016

Reflections


A paragraph in my old blog said
So part of the change is that I am getting rid of the Beached Whale hat.  It’s too negative.  It maybe one of the “downer” things that put me out of kilter so I am changing my blog name to reflect something that’s truly more me – its who Ive been for the last few years and why I didn’t feel positive enough about starting my original blog with it is probably one of the things that has been holding me back.
So here I am in my new little part of a bloggers world.  Here I am with a new determination to not neglect my writings nor neglect the things my body and my mind tell me.  Here I am not only going to write about my weight loss ups and downs but just about life in general and things that interest me too.  

I thought it would be a good idea to reflect on 2015 first because I know that there's a part of me that needs to see in writing all those good and bad things that have seen me through the last 12 months.

Christmas Night 2015
I started the year off coming home from an amazing holiday.  Christmas 2014 in Calgary in the snow with my good friend Heather and her husband. New Years 2015 in Las Vegas with Deb and I roadtripping to Arizona, California and Utah and then a few days in San Francisco staring at Alcatraz from Fishermans Wharf because I hadn't realised I should have brought a ticket months in advance.  Reflection - I want to do more travelling

This set me up with the realisation that if I wanted to travel more I needed to lose weight  I was 141 kgs and not looking good health wise.  So I kick started my weight loss goals. I look back at my first blog post.  I was determined to lose 42 kgs in 12 months.  Seriously??? Did I even truly realise how hard that was going to be?  Reflection - seriously unrealistic goal setting.

Te Aro Toastmaster of the Year
I found a new Toastmasters Club to join.  In October of 2014 I resigned from the Toastmasters Club I was attending because I felt it just didn't fit with me.  I was invited to visit another club by a friend and there I found a club where I knew I would fit in.  I joined the committee in July and am now VP Education so I spend a lot of my time organising others to do speeches and other meeting functions.  I completed my first award, the Competent Communicator and in December was voted Club Toastmaster of the Year which humbled me as I hadn't been with the club for even a year. I've now joined a second club which meets only once a month and potentially this year I may join a third. Reflection - Toastmasters could become an addiction lol  

I kept myself busy - going out more often than not, attending meet up events, toastmasters, boot camp, centergy, football matches, cricket matches - in fact anything to get me out of the house- my sister commented on more than one occasion - oh you're never home - Reflection - I hate being at home alone.

I sat down with my People Leader at work and let him know how unhappy I was in my job and that I needed something more challenging and something that used my brain and skills better otherwise I might just have to look at leaving.  It wasn't an ultimatum and it wasn't taken as one.  The way my job had changed over the last 12 months from what I originally was employed to do to me was a step down back into administration oblivion and I just didn't like being where I was. I don't want to quit because for the most part I love working for this company and I really enjoy some parts of my role.  The good thing is that the company has put personal development down as one of the priorities for everyone for this year and so a plan has been put in action which will see me transition into a step up role by the end of June 2016.  Reflection - It never hurts to ask

I finally sold my family home back in my old home town.  It had been rented out for the last 8 years and it was the last link to my old life that I knew I had to get rid of.  I didn't sell it for exactly what I would have liked but that would have cost me more money to achieve. Money that I just didn't have to hand.  Spend money to make money - meh.  I didn't get enough money to use as a deposit on another property in the area I did want to live in so I have spent some of it on travel, some of it on others, some of it on me, some of it not very wisely.  Reflection - I need budget help

I started to think about dating again.  I joined a couple of online dating sites and tried speed dating. I had a couple of blind dates but nothing much has come out of it apart from finding a few new mates who are football mad like me lol.  I guess most men just can't get past my weight to see how much of an awesome person I really am.  I do have my "man friend" and while he's a semi regular feature around my place we both agree that we are "not having a relationship" and this isn't permanent.  It's nice to have him around when we both need some companionship.  Reflection - Do I really need a full on full time relationship?

I found out that my ex is dating a work colleague.  That knocked me for a six. I burst into tears but that was more for the shock I now understand.  It took me a few weeks to get my mind around that. I said to myself and to everyone else that I honestly didn't care but looking back over things that I have said and done between then and now I think now that I did care because I believe that this was the catalyst for me losing my mojo back in June and giving up on my weight loss and lifestyle changes.  Funnily enough Facebook Memories moments keep coming up with moments about my life with Jason and now I realise that actually I miss the house in Martinborough more than I miss him now. Reflection - I got through the grieving and survived with my heart intact.

I went travelling again.  This time first to Sydney in Australia to meet more facebook friends and also to  head to Bathurst to do the V8 Motor Race.  This was one of my things Ive always wanted to do in life moments (and no not a bucket list - im not in a position where I need a bucket list in life lol.)  I was in petrol head heaven.  I spent the whole day walking around race watching, people watching, sight seeing and getting up the top of Mount Panorama to see Peter Brocks shrine.  I also went to Melbourne and stayed with wonderful friends and did the David Bowie Exhibition.  Reflection - Two days in Melbourne is nowhere near enough and I want to go back again.

Christmas Desserts
Christmas came and it was so different to usual.  No cooking a large formal roast meal for the usual dozen or so people that I would invite for Christmas lunch when I was home.  In fact apart from Logan not wanting to spend the day with Kieran and I it was one of the most relaxing Christmas days I have had here in New Zealand in a long time.  Kieran and I were invited out for a Champagne breakfast that never finished til 11.30am and so came home and relaxed until we decided that at 3pm we were hungry so I just did ham on the bone with roast veges.  Dessert was saved until 7pm when we went to my sister Katrina's place to share with her.  Reflection - I don't need to become a 5 star Michelin restaurant at Christmas

My last reflection is me

I was taking down the Christmas tree last night and realised that underneath all the lights, tinsel and decorations the poor thing was dying because I hadn't looked after it properly.  I hadn't taken car of it by watering or feeding it.

The same has to be said of me.  Underneath all the makeup, hair colour and fancy clothes is an unhappy body and mind that needs to be fed and watered properly so it is looked after.  I need to feel more self love as part of my lifestyle change.  Only then I think I will get my real Mojo back and strive to be better mentally, spiritually and physically.  I need to work on the "I don't need to feel lonely when I am alone" moments when I am home alone in my little flat.  I shouldnt feel the need to have people all around me and no I don't mean in the case of being the centre of attention but just feeding off the comfort of having others around me.

I started 2015 weighing 141.3 kg.  I ended the year weighing 136.4 kg.  I had lost 12 kgs but I put back on 7 kg.  Overall I have lost 5kg.  That is a positive so I will take it as one.

So I hop on a plane again tomorrow.  Back to Australia for another week.  This time to Brisbane to catch up with my friend Maureen who moved there last month and then a few days back in Sydney to see a football match.  Liverpool are bringing out their Legends - Ian Rush, Steve Gerrard, Bruce Grobbelaar, Jamie Carragher and others, to play an exhibition match against the Australian Legends.  To most of you out there these names mean nothing but these guys were my football idols growing up (not to mention my first crush on a sporting celebrity was Bruce Grobbelaar lol)

When I get home it will be in time to celebrate another birthday - and I will spend the day with family and friends under the hot Wellington sun having a BBQ Pot Luck Lunch.  Then it will be time to reflect on some of the questions above and start the planning for the next few months.

Happy new year everyone.